So what’s the weirdest superpower you can think
of?
I can’t help but ask, because -- speaking
personally -- the vast majority of my characters are created based on what sort
of powers I can give them. Jury’s out on
whether or not that’s a good idea, but recently, I’ve been challenging myself
to come up with more powers from left field.
The end goal is to take a page from JoJo’s
Bizarre Adventure (sans Stands): take powers that would be seemingly
useless and have the characters apply them in ways that turn the “useless” into
“incredible”. Right now I’m focusing on
a guy who can always be there to stop a timer -- on a watch, on a clock, on a
microwave -- before it goes off…which gives him the power to effectively
teleport.
I’d say more, but chances are high that you’re here for more thoughts on Batman v.
Superman: Dawn of Justice. (Plus
that idea’s super rough around the
edges.) But since we’re dealing with
superheroes, it’s important to think at least a little bit about their
powers/skill set/equipment. What do they
mean for the character, especially in terms of personality? How do they impact the world around the hero
or heroine? What do they bring to the
table?
I have to ask, because in terms of this movie, the
answer is a resounding nothing.
Look! Up in the
sky! It’s a SPOILER! It’s a SPOILER! No, it’s blatant and overwrought symbolism that
has no reason being used by a team that’s demonstrated its sheer ability to
fail on even basic levels of storytelling and film-making principles!
…I mean SPOILERS.
I’ll go ahead and make a confession: Wonder Woman
was my last bastion of hope for this movie.
Historical precedents suggested that Superman probably wouldn’t come out
clean in this movie, and I had doubts that Snyder and crew would offer up a
good Batman (regardless of Ben Affleck doin’
work for the role). But Wonder
Woman?
It was another chance to start fresh -- and more
importantly, get a leg-up on Marvel by prominently featuring a female
superheroine. Even though Black Widow
first showed up in Iron Man 2 back in
2010 and has been a prominent fixture in the universe since, but I guess she
doesn’t count because she hasn’t gotten a solo movie yet.
So how does Wonder Woman/Diana Prince fare in this
movie?
How do you think
she fares?
People have been saying that Wondy’s good in this
movie, and that she steals the show, and all sorts of praise. I’ll have to respectfully disagree. Granted, she’s still handled the best of the
three heroes, but that’s only because of the asterisks in bold print. First off, she’s only the best of the three
because Bats and Supes are both decidedly terrible. Second, I’m pretty sure she’d be worse if she
had more screen time, considering how the other two members of the Trinity were
handled. Third, her screen time is so
piddling that she barely gets to do anything.
And as a corollary, the stuff that she does do is totally
insubstantial. (Also, I personally think
her theme song is
garbage -- a bunch of Hans Zimmer-style pounding with random guitar notes that
make her sound villainous instead of
heroic. It’s still the only memorable
part of the soundtrack, but only because of how bad it is.)
I know there have been some controversies over the
fact that Gal Gadot doesn’t exactly have the look of an Amazonian warrior --
which is a conflict on the rise again, and
will be in the future -- but she seems fine in terms of playing the
role. I didn’t expect her to have such a
marked accent, but I’m okay with it.
What I’m not so okay with is
the fact that you can count the number of relevant effects she has on the plot
(if not her number of scenes) on one hand.
To wit: over the course of a two and a half hour
movie, she…
1) Infiltrates
Lex Luthor’s party to steal his data -- namely a picture of her in 1918 in full
costume.
2)
Reads through the files Batman sends her that show off the future Justice League
members.
3) Gets
ready to leave town via plane.
4)
Joins the battle with Doomsday.
5)
Agrees to help Batman form the Justice League.
That’s basically it. And as you can guess, #3 is just as “crucial”
a plot point as it gets. So really, most
of Wondy’s time is spent slinking around in improbably stitched-together
“dresses”, looking sultry, acting mysterious, and creating some sexual tension
with Bats. (Side note: I wonder if this
version of Bruce Wayne would have any problems shacking up with someone at
least a hundred years his senior -- and/or could thrust him into solid
concrete.) There’s basically nothing for
her to do in this movie, and I almost wish that she didn’t show up at all. On the one hand, adding more for her would’ve
made the movie even more of a slog; on the other hand, it would’ve removed one
of the eighty subplots.
I don’t feel like I have a good grasp on the
character’s personality. Obviously, part
of that has to do with the fact that she’s barely in the movie; she’s got no
stake in the Bats/Supes hypocrisy-fest, and her brief time onscreen means she
gets fewer chances to indulge in the vile atmosphere the past two movies in
this universe have cultivated. But by not
being an awful (and stupid) person, she doesn’t get to do anything to set her
apart. Well, almost nothing.
Wondy cracks one of the few smiles in the entire
movie. Why? Because she’s in a fight with Doomsday, and
apparently she’s having the time of her life.
It’s a far cry from her stoic and composed affect while posing as Diana
Prince, and in some ways it’s appreciable; maybe there’s someone in this
universe who actually enjoys being a hero, instead of seeing their powers and
responsibilities as a burden. In an
ideal world, that aspect of her personality would be explored in more than just
a few minutes in the movie’s climactic battle.
But there are two issues I have with the
character. First off, her most defining
moment comes from a big dumb action scene -- and I stress dumb, because it’s a mass of brown and orange CG tossed into
a rock tumbler -- that adds nothing except a chance for her to look cool. And sure, she gets in some nice hits with her
sword, bracelets, and lasso, but it doesn’t add anything even remotely
substantial. As
noted elsewhere, the Trinity doesn’t bother to talk with one another once
the trailer shot is done and the action resumes; Superman barely says anything
to Wonder Woman throughout the entire movie, period. So yeah, she may be
fast, strong, well-equipped, and basically able to fly (or jump really well, at
least), but how does that set her apart from a hodgepodge of Bats and Supes? What does the battle say about her besides
“she’s a good fighter” and “she likes to fight”?
As a reminder: a “strong female character” should
have more going for her than “can kick a lot of ass”. As you know.
I mean…Zack Snyder likes comics and anime and
stuff, right? He has to, considering
what’s on his IMDB page -- 300, Watchmen,
and Sucker Punch, just to name a
few. So he should understand that there
are ways to weave characterization into fights.
The most immediate example I can think of is Street Fighter; with each passing game, the devs manage to make Ryu
and Ken more divergent from one another, so that the latter’s a serious fighter
with hard-hitting fundamentals, and the latter’s a flashy brawler who strings a
ton of hits together.
Alternatively, look at something like Naruto; there’s a huge range of
abilities there, and each character applies those movies in accordance with
their strategies, their ability to adapt, and their personalities. Granted something like Naruto (and others)
suffers from some serious growing pains thanks to constantly-increased
power levels, but strategists fight like strategists, wild men fight like
wild men, and creepy guys fight like creepy guys. We learn more about who they are in the
absence of a nice long chat at the local café.
What do we learn about Wondy? She enjoys fights and cuts off big dumb
monster limbs. So I’m inclined to
believe that if given the chance, she’d prove that she’s just like Bats and
Supes…i.e. a stupid hypocritical jackass.
I’ve staunchly refused going “Where are the other
Avengers” when it comes to the solo Marvel movies, because having them show up
for every instance -- especially when they’re busy, like Thor playing a
multi-dimensional ambassador -- would make the inevitable team-ups less
special. I’m tempted to ask where Wondy
was during the battle of Metropolis, but I can live without it. With that said, I have to take issue with her
explanation.
It’s revealed that she’s lived among humans for
generations, and was apparently a key player in World War I (which will
probably be explained in greater detail in her solo movie). The whole reason she’s in this movie is
because she wants to keep her presence a secret …though I’m not sure how well
she’d be able to do that if she fought in a war and appeared in a photo -- and
perhaps newspaper -- that potentially ended up well-circulated, but
whatever. She mentions offhandedly that
she withdrew from the world because she witnessed the evils of man, and how
they did harm to one another, and whatever.
I have a lot of problems with that.
Okay, sure.
World War I caused a then-unprecedented amount of damage and casualties
thanks to emerging technologies like machine guns and mustard gas, and the
conditions of warfare (like fighting in the trenches) didn’t help matters. And yes, wars that followed only helped
escalate the problem; you don’t have to be a history buff to know about the
atomic bomb. The evils of men are
well-documented, and they’ll keep being documented for as long as the written
word exists.
So here’s my question: what about the good of men?
Clearly Wondy saw something in men that made her
want to leave the island of Themyscira -- or if not that, then she may have
wanted to see what lied beyond the borders of her lush paradise. I would think that she joined in the war to
fight for peace and a better world. But
when she saw something go wrong, she quit and went into hiding? She hung up the tiara and bracelets, and
devoted herself to…a life of personal luxury?
Wherein she can get invited to fancy parties by business moguls, wear
glamorous dresses, and be chauffeured at her leisure?
So what about the goodness in the world in the
time since World War I? What about the
civil rights movement and efforts to secure equality that go on to this
day? What about advances in technology
that have pushed mankind to land on the moon and scour the stars? What about cultural gains that threaten to
make the Library of Congress burst wide open -- or failing that, the books,
music, art, and more that delight even the simplest Jill and Joe?
And on that note, what about the good of women?
Do you just not care about the struggle for suffrage and various equal
rights? Have you turned a blind eye to
all of it, from the women who have found success in industries small and large
to the victims still oppressed at this very moment? Does the presence of a furious campaign for a
female president on multiple occasions not strike you as something worth
celebrating?
I guess not.
I guess none of it matters. “Men
were bad a hundred years ago, so I’ll wash my hands of them and only care about
myself.” I mean…Christ, even in the
context of this universe that’s a terrible attitude. When you’ve got people building statues to
celebrate Superman’s efforts -- and the man of steel himself is willing to
swoop in and save a little girl on the other side of the world -- then
shouldn’t that be an emblem of the good in the world? Shouldn’t you be inspired to use your powers
more than not at all? Shouldn’t you do more than randomly help kill
a random rock monster?
I love how I already gave up on this movie, but
now I’m giving up on it even more.
It’s like…I tend to do this thing with my movie
posts where I point out flaws to the tune of Groose’s theme. But I don’t even feel like doing that
here. That’s partly because I can think
of other things I’d rather be doing (like working on my superheroes), and
partly because I don’t see a point in highlighting the problems with this
movie. Do you really need me to tell you
that Lex’s plan is way too complicated and nonsensical (and built on zero
motivations) yet it still goes just
according to keikaku because he’s basically the Joker an evil
genius? Do you really need me to tell
you that Lois still ends up playing the damsel, and even when she’s trying to
be strong she proves how much of an idiot she can be?
I will say this about Lois: there’s a moment in
there where she says something along the lines of “I’m not a lady. I’m a journalist.” And it’s just like…can’t you be both? Okay, sure, you can put more emphasis on your
profession and credentials, and not be hampered by your gender. But to actively ignore or even shun that
gender just to prove how tough you are comes off as misguided. I’d say I’m reaching here, but there’s a
scene where another government guy applauds her for having the balls to
approach him for the truth (in the men’s bathroom, no less). I’m not saying that Snyder and crew hate
women, but something tells me that their approach to them is wrongheaded.
Then again, that extends to the whole movie, and
one of its greatest overall problems: it
has no heart.
I’m not saying that the movie is worse off for not
having more colors or more any jokes.
If DC and Warner Bros. want to make movies that are serious and
thoughtful rather than the cheery and straightforward Marvel movies, then
fine. (Granted the Marvel movies aren’t
afraid to get meaningful, serious, and/or dark either, but DC’s willing to slot them into a stereotype, so I guess
I will too for now.) They can chase
after the Christopher Nolan movies/Dark Knight Trilogy as much as they want,
and that’s fine. But they have to do it
well. And so far, they’re not.
I’m no ironclad defender of Nolan or the Dark
Knight Trilogy, but it’s not like I have a problem with either as a whole. Nolan’s got some weaknesses, but he’s got
some undeniable strengths. And even
though I didn’t care for The Dark Knight
Rises, I’ve got no problems admitting that The Dark Knight is pretty strong.
So why can’t these guys figure out how to make their recent movies great
instead of just trying and failing to be The
Dark Knight? How have they not
figured out that one of DC’s most bankable movies had more than just grandiose
statements -- that it had better visuals, better characters, better themes,
better writing, better villains, and even
better jokes despite being called THE
DARK KNIGHT?
Snyder and crew either didn’t understand the DC
heroes (and their universe at large), or they didn’t care. They substituted
their own meanings in place of the typical ones. Really, that would be fine in some ways; this
is a new universe separate from the comics, with the ability to firmly
establish a new -- if non-essential -- set of guidelines as to what the world
is all about. But virtually everything
that appears in this movie flies in the face of everything that’s generally
obvious. I’m not just talking about them
making Batman a killer; I’m talking about them completely failing to grasp the
concept of heroism.
Nothing about superheroes was enough for these
people. Nothing. So instead of what could be -- and should be
-- a thoughtful exploration of a hero living in a modern world, we get a
confused treatise that has a sloth’s understanding of what religion, politics,
history, and even society as a whole entails.
There is no grand statement here.
There is no through line, logical or emotional, to follow. How could there be when Lex decides to create
a big dumb rock monster for no reason, and would’ve been smeared all over its
knuckles five seconds after his “son’s” birth if not for Superman stopping the
punch?
I’m not asking for the DC Cinematic Universe to be
a sun-soaked utopia, but I AM asking for it to not be this ugly, exhaustive
wasteland that shovels cold gruel into every orifice. Batman is the only one in this movie that has
the right to act like he’s old, tired, and busted, but the symbols of hope and
peace are just as world-weary -- just as resentful of the world and people
they’re supposed to protect. So
according to the scorecard: Batman’s a murderer who chases after his personal
demons more often than he solves crimes or stops bad guys in his home of
Gotham. Superman is still an idiot who
can’t think for himself, and would rather beg the people in his life for advice
than take a single step toward being the symbol of hope he’s supposed to
be.
Wonder Woman has basically taken Ma Kent’s words
to heart for reasons another movie years from now will have to explain -- and
even then it probably won’t, so we’re stuck with the feminine icon getting her jollies from monster murder and
adopting a “too cool for this planet” mentality until the last five minutes of
the movie. Because hey, she’s a part of
the Justice League, too.
And what’s it all in service of? Borderline zealots who build up above-average
individuals as divine beings? Mindless
naysayers who blather on about how “good” men and women are threats to national
security despite there being no need for it?
Is it too much to ask to just have people that want to do good because
people are in trouble, or it’s the right thing to do -- and then not act like it’s some herculean effort
that pushes them to the breaking point?
Can we not just have heroes being heroes, villains being villains, and
people being people? Can we not have
even the slightest recognition of
goodness in this universe?
Maybe not.
If DC and Warner Bros. are so hell-bent on not being Marvel, then I guess they need more than just a “no jokes
policy”. They need a “no humanity policy”,
too. And given this movie, I’m inclined
to say that they’ve got that shit on a plaque somewhere at HQ. Their
loss. Literally.
One of the most telling scenes in the entire movie
is near its ending. Superman takes on
Doomsday, and puts up a pretty convincing fight. You’d think that he would create another
Metropolis fiasco, but you’d be wrong. I
was sitting in the theater watching the fight, and I thought to myself, “Why
are you bothering to punch him? Just
carry him into space, launch him into orbit, and eject him from the
planet. Problem solved.” And you know what? Superman
actually did that. I was
awestruck. Someone acting intelligently
in the movie? How unprecedented!
But then I was awestruck for an entirely different
reason. The US government decides that
even though Superman is handling the situation competently -- even though he’s
basically seconds away from solving the problem, having carried Doomsday well
above the planet -- they should launch a nuke and kill both of them
simultaneously. Because “Superman’s a
threat to society, lol”. It doesn’t
work. They just brought Doomsday back to
Earth (stronger than ever, no less), stunned Superman, and made the movie last
longer than it needed to.
I’ve heard that introducing Doomsday into this
movie means that BvS is aping The Death of Superman -- which, as far
as I can tell, is actually pretty bad.
But I guess they figured that they had to kill off Superman somehow for
that cheap attempt at tugging at the heartstrings. They had to show people mourning, and holding
candlelight vigils, and building new monuments, and burying him, even though
that shit’s going to be reversed in a couple of years at most. But hey, he died
for their sins, so I guess now the Christ metaphor is more complete than ever
-- especially with his resurrection waiting in the wings.
And since BvS
is done, I’m done too.
I don’t want to say I’m done with the DC movies in
general, because there’s still the potential to salvage it with the other three
heroes (four if we include Green Lantern, which
the DCCU probably will). But if
Snyder, Goyer, and the rest of his cabal are involved, then I’m out. I don’t want more overwrought symbolism. I don’t want more go-nowhere commentary. I don’t want to see a bunch of assholes in
tights alternate between moping around, blaming their problems on everyone
else, and destroying the worlds they’re supposed to protect. I don’t want to see more idiocy become an
inevitable part of the plot, as if ordered by some divine decree. And it might as well be, since Flash says
that Lois is the key to everything (and fuck that noise with a splintered 2x4).
I wanted to see superheroes. I didn’t.
And that’s exactly why I’m putting Batman
v. Superman: Dawn of Justice right around HERE on my SmartChart™ -- where
it belongs.
There.
It’s over. I’m free. And you’re free, too. So if you want some real heroes, go watch
some of the DC animated movies. There
are plenty of them, and you won’t be left wanting. (I recommend All-Star Superman -- comic or movie,
take your pick -- and Justice League: Doom.)
Failing that?
Look up World’s Finest -- and laugh over the
fact that people figured out how to do a team-up two decades ago in half the
time for a fraction of the price.
*mic drop* *exit stage left*
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